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Feb. 8th, 2006 @ 12:16 am (no subject)
"Careless  words stab like a sword, but wise words bring healing" Proverbs 12:18
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Feb. 7th, 2006 @ 11:46 pm A fight!
Current Mood: disappointed
Have you ever been in love ? .....I am, and it scares me. Beacause I totally trust in him, and my friend made me doubt his trust. Made me doubt his love,.... I never done that to him before in awhile. Have you ever felt like you cried so much, you gotten a head ache? Have you ever had such a bad day, and all people do is add to it?....I would break up with him, but iwould be doing that to make my friend happy. I would stay with him, but now i am so tired i dont know what i want..... I love Jay,Iam not perfect, and he surely isnt perfect it....a wise man once said" do not judge me by the clothes I wear, or how i stand. But judge me on how I rise, after i fall.".... n thats what i belive. Every savior, is just a siner who fell down, And on that note i am going to sleep, i am all cried out.......
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Sep. 13th, 2005 @ 08:55 pm what is wrong with me??????????
Current Mood: annoyed
I was at my meeting today, when they asked me "what do you like to do for fun?".... I sat there in silence for almost 2 mins. I didn't know what to say, because everything I use to say, I dont do anymore, not at all. I dont write poetry, I dont dance, I dont do creative things anymore. All I do is, whine, and school... thats kindof sad. What am I saying it is sad,..... for the longest time, I wanted T. and now that i got him you would think that I would be happy, but instead I'm not even close to happy. I still feel empty, at least when T. and i talked before, I was sooo happy with him, and after his whole "confuse bit".... I just didnt wanna be bother at all..... And i feel forever sad like i wanna cry, what is my problem???.... What do I like to do for fun???.... nothing, i dont even know myself. I am soo sad.
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Aug. 26th, 2005 @ 10:44 pm (no subject)
Back at Buffalo, Oh i hate this damn place. It's getting to me, I'm tired of this place it's like jail. I know, I was so suppose to do a makeover of my soul, but i never really got to do it. Jamie got in the way, and when it wasn't Jamie it was Tyce. I wanna make myself happy, I wanna find what makes me laugh,smile,, what are my hobbies.
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Aug. 25th, 2005 @ 02:10 am a thought
Current Mood: blah
Before i lay my head down, i wanna reflect on everything that has happened....
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Aug. 24th, 2005 @ 10:20 pm IM DONE
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: bRitney Spears.... Everytime
Whoa!! What an eventful day, One thing i know Kelly clarkson said it the best; The trouble with love is It can tear you up inside, Make your heart believe a lie, It's stronger than your pride. The trouble with love is. It doesn't care how fast you fall. And you can't refuse the call, See, you got no say at all. Thats so true cause within a month i fell for a boy, that has sooo much problems he couldn't support himself. He was( mind you that was in the past) addicted to drugs, and tried to commit suicide, was rushed to the hospital. And knowing all of that, I fell for him. What does that say about me??... Such a head case!. BUt let me tell you what happen, so anywas, i got to his house and I've been feeling he has been very distant with me lately. Very withdrawn, and I would ask him, does he wanna be with me, and i was asking him several questions. And every answer was " I don't know".But he said he liked me,.. yea i am so happy now (sarcasm)....So anyways i get there, and i tell him how i feel, we argue for awhile, having long pauses,..and we start play fighting,. but im really punching him, im taking out all my anger on him. And i couldn't stop, and yes, he got me so many times, but i didnt give up, i couldn't give up. Cause I wanted him to hurt the way i did, I wanted him to feel the pain that i felt, and when we were done, we kind of sat there, cause we both were out of breath, and he extended his hand out to me. I was sitting indian style and he was lying down... So i took his hand and i lied on his chest, and he just held me. And thats when it all happened, i just started to cry. And I could kill him, for making me cry, but he did. And he held me, and tried to comfort me. But he could never say what i wanted to hear... I wanna be with you.... I know i only knew him for a couple of months, but he's such a great guy, he's sooo compatible with me, i dont understand why, this always happens to me all the time. I just wanna be with him, why is this so hard. I want him, and no one else. I'm done looking around for mr. Right. I'm tired of this shit,.....I just wanna hurt him, i want him to feel my pain, my rage, my saddeness. I want him to be upset, to be hurt, i want him to feel the way i felt yesterday. Why can't he be with me?...why? why? why?............ Why do i go through this. Im done!!!!!!
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Jul. 11th, 2005 @ 03:56 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: accomplished

Dear Diary

   If there is one thing i learned going to UB is, I know who my friends are, and who will always be there. Some of us came along way, from kindergardten and we even survied the CRAZY!! high school years where every one was finding themselves, Its funny because i still am.... This is a thought, dont forget the old friends you have just because you gained your new friends. Dont put nothing passed anybody but Roe. Yes thats my sisiter, not real sister but she might as well be.LOL. That is one person i can count on no matter what. And it is kind of reassusing to know there is a person out their for me like that... I love her to death, and  as for everyone else LOL i dont know what to say,.. Ill treat what they did with a grain of salt.

Well its time to become me, its's to to cut off all that excess bull that everyone feeds me. and for me to look my flaws in the eye and deal with them. And after this whole revolution, if i come out different and people dont like me.  FUCK YOU!!!!.

" THOSE WHO MATTER, DON'T CARE.... AND THOSE WHO CARE, DON'T MATTER,"

   Goals.

1. out going

2.Blunt

3. save money

4. confidence,

5. Meet new friends

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May. 18th, 2005 @ 01:07 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: we belong together... Mariah Carey

I can't belive it, i can't  believe it. Just last week we were tickling each other, and  holding eachother and now he's not here. No more hugs at night, pinches on my cheeks, some one to engage in some sinful play. I seriiously dont want him to go, I dont want him to be with anyone but me. I dont want him to kiss, hold, sex, pinch anyone but me. But he doesn't see that, he's moving to Atlanta in August and he doesn't want a long distance relationship. Since i am in NY it is  kind of far. I am driven to be with him he is the first person i think of when i wake up, the last person i think about when i lay my head down. All i can do is think of him and its driving me crazy.  I dont know why i fall for someone i can never be with??  He says if he wasn't going anywhere he would wanna be with me, but i dont know.....

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Mar. 20th, 2005 @ 01:01 am (no subject)
Current Mood: disappointed
They say when life throws you lemons you make lemonade, but do i really know how to make lemonade? and do i really like lemonade? I like pink lemonade, but lemonade by it's self the taste is too sour for me.... I came to a realization how this so called pathetic place we call earth really revovles.... Its funny how complex so many peoples lives are and how confusing the stages of maturation are, it takes away from the true question at hand. How does the world spin sooo fast, and yet we dont get dizzy???.. I find that soo fascinating. As I drove on the expressway with no destination at all i just drove to keep my sanity in place. I drove so i wouldn't cry myself to sleep. I drove to ease the anger, i always find myself having several thoughts in my head and then surpressing them all untill my mind becomes so overwhelmed with thoughts they begin to pour out like lavav out of a volcano. I have completly no control over it, its like a domino affect. And it was so weird cause i really wanted to talk about it this time, i really wanted to let someone in, but no one was there. NO ONE AT ALL. .. Mother earth is some what like human beings, they are spinning around on their axis for sooo long they fail to realize what is important why are they so dizzy?... Like tupac said, people are so wrapped up in their own lives they have no time to see what makes a dear friend cry
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Feb. 8th, 2005 @ 02:42 am My life....
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Sade... By my side
Its funny just how we the heart is, i wish there was a way i could change that about myself. I wish i could change this weak heart that i have a good strong one.  I know deep down inside i have a strong personality, and i know  I have this whole women liberation just burning inside of me. But I dunno how  to get that out, how to mask this saddness all this rage that festers inside of me. ......I was never close to my family memebers like that, i think the person i was closets to was my mother. And everyone just came last or  you can call next. My mother and i spend so much time together. We would go to the hair dressers together and watch soaps together, i would go with her and run errans. Buy bread from  the WonderBread bakery, i rememebr the cottage cheese snacks with crackers, i even rememebr the  cinammon bagels with cream cheese. All i knew about my mom was that she was strong, she had a atitude that no one could turn off, she was there when i needed her....  I  wanna change this saddeness that  lives in side of me, this anger, this lonliness. Because i am not lonely, i have my self, and my family and that should be enough. So why am I crying, why am I in pain???? I am tired of feeling this way, what can  I do to stop it????
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Jan. 25th, 2005 @ 12:23 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Ordinary People... John Legend
Ok, its been awhile so lets start..... Ok I met a boy name jason, and it was funny cause when we first hung out, he was so touchy and feely. He was very sweet, and then and there he asked me to go out with him. I thought this was tooooo fast like always, i should have use my intutions. But anyways he was soo sweet, and out of all the guys i have ever talkk ed to and was with Jaosn was the one i got along with the most. Chris and i argued like everyday, and well Jason, we would play fight, laugh, kick, kiss, dance , i could act stupid and it was fine. And just when i decide to take offers seriously it all back fired in my face,... ok, he doens't like talking on the phone, so he waould never call me, we would only talk online and after awhile it became very annoying an di told him about that. And we argues at lieast 4 times about it, and the last one, we broke up. He said i was rushing him, and i didnt have any patience. I really do like him, i can't stop thinking about him,and i think he is the best for me, i really do believe it, but how do I get him back???? Everynight i think about him befor e i go to bed, and when i wake in the morning, i wanna be there for him, a i wanna hold him when he is sad or tired or not feeling well. And i can't do any of that, he doesn't want me to. Hes arguement is that am not partient enough, not understanding. And when i say im going to be patient and understanding he doesn't want me too. But yet he says he likes me, and does care about me. He also said hes not forward in expressing them as i do, and that he isn't rushing like the way i am.... What does that mean???.... does he wanna be with me?... will there be a future. We're just ordinary people We don't know which way to go Cuz we're ordinary people Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh) This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh) This time we'll take it slow [Verse 2] This ain't a movie no No fairy tale conclusion ya'll It gets more confusing everyday Sometimes it's heaven sent We head back to hell again We kiss and we make up on the way [Bridge] I hang up you call We rise and we fall And we feel like just walking away But as our love advances We take second chances Though it's not a fantasy I Still want you to stay [Chorus] We're just ordinary people We don't know which way to go Cuz we're ordinary people Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh) This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh) This time we'll take it slow [Verse 3] Take it slow Maybe we'll live and learn Maybe we'll crash and burn Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return Maybe you'll never find Maybe we won't survive But maybe we'll grow You never know baby youuuu and I [Chorus] We're just ordinary people We don't know which way to go Cuz we're ordinary people Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy) We're just ordinary people We don't know which way to go Cuz we're ordinary people Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh) This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh) This time we'll take it slow
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Jan. 18th, 2005 @ 12:41 pm I miss you Jason
Current Mood: nauseated
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate boys, im sick and tired of being jerked around like i am so damn yoyo, i am really tired of this all. I sit there and read his letters and i wonder, if you cared? why are you punishing me, why are you tryying to hurt me?.... I dont understand this at all, why me?... Why is it the great guy to me in person, he is soooo funt to be around, when he leaves me hes out of sight out of mind. I swear we are great together. I love his company, I haven't felt this way for a boy in awhile. I want to get him back, i want him to talk to me again. But i gotta know these feelings are genuine, so i decided to give him some time and i wont write him untill two weeks from now. It will be hard but i got through tthe first day i can get through another day!!
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Jan. 14th, 2005 @ 01:06 am (no subject)
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Mario.... you should let me love you
Deat Diary,
    Lately Jason and I have been argueing, and today we had it out and spoke our minds, and I hope everything is great with us, he is very different from the rest, and i will try my hardest to make this work. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but whenever i plan for my future it always finds a way of back firing.  Isn't  that a Cute Picture????
Jason and I
 
 
 
 
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Jan. 2nd, 2005 @ 05:42 am Jason......
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: let me love you... mario
Jason is my new boyfriend, and goin to be my only boyfriend. He is sooo sweet and affectionate and forgiving and kind, and funny. I love be ing a roound him, there is never a dull moment. Just thinking about him makes me smile. I haven't felt this way before in a long time, and i hope it stays that way.
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Dec. 30th, 2004 @ 12:16 am hmmmmmmm.... Jason???
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Musiq.... who knows
Its been awhile since i talked to you,  not alot has happen since then. I have three boyfriends, one boy i am about to dump b/c he's really full of shit, madd immature. The second one goes to my school, yes tammon the same guy i tried to hit him with my car mos before. And the third one is him........ He's so cute, and sweet, and affectionate, oh my gosh i love being with him. But i go to UB and he lives in Brooklyn and i just dunno if hes worth it. Because he doesn't call me like a boyfriend should, but i know if we lived close it would be crazy!!! i just want someone i can stroll through the mall with, someone i can watch tv with, or  just chill ne time. And i can't with him because of distance.... And well tammon, emotionally unstable and challenged, and he's not affectionate, yes he is cute and funny and he goes to UB. But if jason went to UB , wow!!!!! it would be great b/c  wat i know soo far of him, is good. Except the calling!!!!!.... tammon and milton dont call me either,   i gave up on that..... and i think i can talk to jason better then the rest i just gotta give it a couple of days.... what to do???
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Dec. 13th, 2004 @ 03:03 pm What should I do
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: How could a angel break my heart...Toni braxton

It's funny when you ask the star above and all the love goddesses and Gods just to send you a great man, a man the will for full every task you want your dream guy to. And when they answer your prayers all your wishes they send me Chris..... thats my ex-boyfriend, i dont knwo what to do with him anymore. I know i messed up the relationship too, but i tried constantly to try to get it back, and he is at a point that it scares me cause i cant even see him, or feel him anymore. He drifted soooo far from me, that there is no turning back. He was so great to me at times, he wasn;'t perfect but  i will never find anyone like him or close to all his standars ever again..... And it scares me, what if he is soulmate, what if i am suppose to be with him for the rest of my life?,.... what am i suppose to do now.

But then its not so easy, he said hes not intrested in me anymore, and he said he didnt find me attractive either. He said some hurt full stuff to me before words a man should never say to his girl, to someone you love. I am not perfect, but i know  I tried my best, why is it everyone saw that but him????

What am I suppose to do?, just let him be? what should i do????

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Dec. 10th, 2004 @ 04:34 am how do I get over him
What do you do to get over a Guy??? what do you do to stop thinking about them dreaming about them, wating them. wishing to kiss them, to hold on, i feel i play the victim in this deadly game of " The significant other" I hate how this feels, all iwant is this boy to like me, and wanna treat me like the queen that i am.... If this is the game i will be dealing with for the rest of my life.....
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Dec. 9th, 2004 @ 02:37 pm my life....

0 I  haven't spoken to tammon in two days and i actually feel beeter that sound soo sad, but he has a way of getting to me. I wished my life was soo simple, and nothin bothered me, ..... but how can i do that???? Unless i can my life simple. that is what i will do, make my life simple... BUT HOW DO I DO THAT?


Your Personality Type:

Observer

Finding inner peace

 Destined

 

Finding inner peace

  • Like all Observers, you strive to find inner peace in a world that's anything but peaceful.
  • You were born with a quiet, cautious, and down-to-earth nature has always set you apart. Being different and somewhat of an "outsider," you've become selective about what you do and say. So you typically stand back and observe people and situations, then decide how you want to contribute.
  • This style has been especially useful in your career. While others on a team are talking, arguing, and often making impulsive decisions, you can see the underlying issues and make practical and realistic recommendations. Although there are times in your job and personal life when you should assert yourself more, people are relieved to find someone like you who doesn't pick fights or create drama.
  • You don't spend your life running around from one social event to the next. You prefer quiet evenings with your close circle of family and friends. You're somewhat "old fashioned" in that way. Since you're shy and very modest, it can also take a while to get to know you and see the "real" you.
  • You need time alone every day to "recharge" mentally and emotionally. Enjoying your own company and being comfortable with solitude is considered a sign of maturity and good mental health. Agree?

 

Finding your love is like finding the other part of yourself that makes you complete.

  • For you, falling in love is like being reunited with the other part of yourself that finally gives meaning to everything in your life. This "soul mate" completes you. You empower each other to be the best you can be. You get each other's jokes and love the same books and movies. You talk until you go hoarse. You enjoy an intimacy that most people can't even imagine.
  • The downside of the Destined love style is that you typically have to search for years and years (and go on lots of bad dates) to find this type of love. Destiny is on your side, but doesn't always follow your timeline. Also, the intense mental, emotional, and spiritual bonding you go through can at times get in the way of just having fun or enjoying great sex. Given how hard it is to find a potential soul mate, it's easy to understand why you would take it so seriously. Just don't forget the equally silly and sexy aspects of love.
  • Your approach to love can change over time. You may go through periods when you need a more casual love style, especially after a painful breakup with a potential soul mate. For now, the common features of your love "style" include:
  • You're looking for a very close, intimate relationship. You want to share the most important aspects of your life with him and not feel like you have to hold things back. The past is the past, but you should be open and honest about your life now. If you love him, you'll want to know about his hopes and dreams and try to help make them come true.
  • You're most likely to fall in love with a man who's independent by nature. He won't expect to merge his life with yours. Keeping separate friends, for example, will just give you more to talk about when you're together.
  • Like the song says, "If you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss." You want passionate kisses and won't settle for anything less. The two of you will probably be instantly attracted to each other. You're not a purist who thinks love is a saintly connection between "friends." You have plenty of friends. You want a lover!
  • Both partners have to decide when they're ready to make a commitment. You have to be sensitive to each other's needs. One shouldn't be kept waiting indefinitely, nor should the other feel rushed. The two of you have to agree on the level of commitment that makes sense given your feelings and how long you've been together. Agree?
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Dec. 3rd, 2004 @ 04:05 am (no subject)
Belive it or not, I am talking to Tammon again, yes the boy that made me upset, the boy that made me cry, that hurt me soo much. But he apologized, and well  i didnt forgive him, i can't, im just .... well... talking to him. Nothing serious, Just friends,... i don't want to be on emotional overload, and i kind of llike were i am.... I dunno, he makes me go crazy, and i dont want to, i was at peace w/myself yesterday, and this ahole school is a stressor and not knowing what to expect w/ him is one too. LOL I dunno, what the hell!!
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Nov. 13th, 2004 @ 05:14 pm WHERE TO START
I have been thinking abou my sad, sad, sad life and there are many thinbgs about myself i would never pass up. And there are Hmany things i hate.. I will be 22 in two months, and i feel like the same girl that entered UB. I wanna be different from befor, i wanna grow into this strong women, but i dont know how to.... I dont even know where to start
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